Chapter Text
The silence of midday in the junkyard behind the I.M.P building is interrupted by the faint whirring sound of a camera coming to life. As the video screen blinks open, Blitzø appears, holding a hand-held device and filming himself up close.
"What the f*ck is up, internet? It's little ol' me, horsef*cker4000! And welcome to my new channel: Beast Wars!"
He pauses, a slight frown creasing his brow.
"Wait. Wasn't that some old sh*t from Hasbro? Ehh, I don't care."
The screen flashes the bold letters "BEAST WARS" and transitions to a cheap animation of a random creature that lunges forward with a roar, accompanied by an exaggerated explosion. As the display returns to Blitzø, the camera pans out to reveal him and Millie concealed behind a mound of scrap in a junkyard. In the distance, Riot, the giant dragon, looms ominously.
Millie, peeking over the scrap, turns to Blitzø with a puzzled look.
"Blitzø, why is Mox dressed like that?"
On cue, Moxxie leaps into view, adorned in a cumbersome ox costume.
"Apparently, honey, it's to boost viewership," he explains a note of resignation in his voice. "Honestly sir, I think you're taking this too far. What do you think's gonna happen if we get caught? We're lucky but we're not that lucky. Perhaps you should just focus on better presentation with your—"
"No can do, Mox," Blitzø interjects with a dismissive wave. "You saw how testy those no-class dickhe*ds got! The raw, natural beauty of horses just wasn't enough. They want to see something above and beyond! I figured this is exactly what we should be cooking up. Anyway, fun dragon fact: they love munching on oxes, which is why today's episode is…"
He gestures dramatically towards the screen which now shows an illustration of a dragon with a boxer’s body facing off against an ox with human arms.
"Dragon VS Ox…ox…ox." His voice echoes artificially, trailing off into the distance.
Millie frowns, concern etching her features.
"Blitzø, are you sure you wanna do this?"
"It's alright, Mil. If anything happens, we'll just yank his ass back with this rope."
As he speaks, Blitzø flings a rope that unexpectedly wraps around Moxxie's ankle, pulling him off his feet. Millie gasps as Moxxie yells in surprise. The rope tightens, yanking Blitzø down as well, causing him to shout as the screen momentarily fuzzes with static. When the image clears, Riot is seen clawing at a heap of car parts. Moxxie, the rope still attached, rolls across the ground behind the colossal dragon. He nervously looks back at his boss, who offers a reassuring thumbs-up. Moxxie takes a deep breath and cautiously moves closer.
"Perfect positioning. Now we wait," Blitzø murmurs, zooming in on Riot. The dragon turns, growling, her pupils dilating with interest at the sight of "Mox the Ox." A tense pause ensues, but unexpectedly, Riot calms and walks away. Millie sighs in relief.
Moxxie straightens, a bit more confident.
"Wow. I'm not sure what that was about but it looks like nature's tastes are evolving."
But his relief is short-lived as Riot returns, dragging a giant boulder shaped like a bowl. She swipes at Moxxie with a claw, causing him to lose his grip on the rope. The force sends him spinning around a crane's boom, leaving him dangling upside down. Attached to the rope, a feather and a bell catch his attention.
"What the…? Sir! This really isn't helping!" Moxxie shouts, his tone edged with panic.
Riot snorts threateningly, picks him up with her fangs, and starts carrying him toward the giant bowl. She begins pouring oil canisters into the bowl with Moxxie inside.
Blitzø starts speaking, his voice overlapping with the unfolding chaos.
"Ah. Hmm. OK, today's new episode: Dragon VS the conventional cooking standards?"
He turns to Millie, who looks anxious.
"Y'know, I know we should save him, but somehow I just can't take my eyes off of it."
Riot completes her preparations and lifts the bowl to consume it. In a sudden move, Moxxie leaps from the bowl, faceplants on the ground, and scrambles toward his colleagues. Riot notices the escape and hurls the bowl in their direction in a fit of rage. The scene switches to Blitzø's first-person video perspective as he dodges the incoming bowl, inadvertently tossing his phone into the air.
"Oh, f*ck no!"
He catches it with his tail and steadies it in his hand. Riot refocuses on Moxxie, charging furiously. But suddenly, Millie leaps forward to defend her husband with an axe. Riot pauses, surprised by the display of courage, yet continues her advance. Blitzø grabs Millie by the back of her shirt and Moxxie by the tail, pulling out an Asmodean Crystal and conjuring a portal. Riot charges at them full-on, but Blitzø pulls his coworkers through to safety just as Riot snaps at the air, her face smacking into the dirt, leaving her dazed.
All three tumble onto the floor of the office, panting and trying to catch their breath. Loona, perched at the receptionist's desk, glances up briefly with a seen-it-all expression before returning to her newspaper. Blitzø is the first to stand.
"Mother of Satan. OK, gang. My B, we aren't doing this crap ever again."
He checks his phone and his eyes widen in realization.
"Holy sh*t! We've still been filming! I'm wondering just how much mileage we can get out of this?"
Moxxie and Millie exchange a look, their expressions a mix of frustration and disbelief.
In the last shot for the video, back in the junkyard, Blitzø donned sunglasses emblazoned with "Horsef*cker4000" across the top. He points dramatically at a 'Subscribe' button and leans against the word "Smash."
